Funny & Endearing Clean Jokes/Poems/Quotes

Here are some funny and clean ONLY (and sometimes endearing) poems, etc.--

WIVES HERE IS HOW TO PRESERVE YOUR HUSBAND (NO CHARGE!!)

--EXCERPTED FROM--FAVORITE RECIPES OF THE AMISH OF WISCONSIN COOKBOOK--


Be careful of your selection; do not choose too young, and take only such men as have been reared in good moral atmosphere.
Some insist on keeping them in a pickle, while others keep them in hot water.
This only makes them sour, hard, and sometimes bitter.

Even poor varieties may be made sweet, tender, and good by garnishing them with patience, well-sweetened with smiles, and flavored with kisses to taste; then wrap them in a mantel of charity, keep warm with a steady fire of domestic devotion confused: --I added this emoticon!) and serve with peaches and cream.

When thus prepared, they will keep for years.


Other fun sayings--some are for "Foodies"--

The trouble with doing nothing is that it's too difficult to tell when you're finished.

Man does not live by bread alone--he needs buttering up once in awhile.

Dough is the wrong word for money. Dough sticks to your hands. (For all you bakers! )

 

More Misc. Quotes, etc.--


Even though the tongue weighs practically nothing--it is surprising how few persons are able to hold it. (My grandpa told me this recently when we spoke of "local politics" in GA and VA.)

My mother wrote this to my husband when we bought our farm for him to share with me--quite true--at least on our "funny farm"--

My "sweet potato", do you "carrot" all for me? You are the "apple" of my eye with your "radish" hair and "turnip" nose--my heart "beets" for you. My love for you is strong as "onions". If we "cantaloupe"--"lettuce" marry and we will make a happy "pear".

For you political "cronies"--

After all is said and done--there is more said than done.

 

A married couple have made it all the way into their 90's having been married at 20 years of age. Their physician is amazed at how spry they are. However, they are starting to show some mental lapses. He recommends that they start to write things down to help them remember.

Later that night theyr are watching TV. The old man gets up; "I'm going to the kitchen, dear. Want anything?"

"Yes!" she says. "I'd love some ice cream. Do you want me to write that down?"

"No, I think I can remember ice cream."

"Oh, and whipped cream." She says. "I know you'll forget that, let me jot that down."

"I got it!" He says..."Ice cream with whipped cream on top."

"And strawberries. I know you'll forget that."

"Quiet woman! Ice cream, whipped cream & strawberries." The old man makes it to the kitchen. She hears him fussing around but soon looses interest and goes back to her TV show. Finally the old man emerges from the kitchen and hands her a plate with Bacon & Eggs.

She looks at the plate quite exasperated.











"Where's my toast?"

 

Kaosdad and others--

I read that story to my hubby while we were driving to the Grand Canyon area this morning in our RV on vacation. He and I could not stop laughing! Thanks for the story.

Have a good week--

God Bless--

Foodie

 

9 Things I hate About Everybody:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their rear-end to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Darn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" .... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, cupcake?

 

Kaosdad and others--

Thanks and God bless--

Just ran across your "saying(s)" and thought it pretty good. Since we are having a potato dish for dinner today--I thought that I would provide you some "food for thought"--and keep the CLEAN ONLY jokes, etc. coming. We are traveling through Grand Canyon on vacation so we read the forum when we have time--see "y'all"--

Below is a poem one of our friends emailed to us recently--she found it in the "ALMA'S KITCHEN" cookbook--


MR. AND MRS. POTATO


You know that all potatoes have eyes...

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other; and they finally got married and had a little one...a real sweet potato--whom they called "Yam".

They wanted the best for little "Yam", telling her all about the "facts of life". They warned her about going out and getting "half-baked" because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like "Hot Potato", and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

She said, "Not to worry, no Mr. McSpud could make a Rotten Potato out of me!"

But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe to watch for the Hardboiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out West because she could get Scalloped. She told them she would stay on the "straight and narrow" and would not associate with those "high class" Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks around town that say "Frito Lay".

Mr. and Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam--so they sent her to Idaho's P.U.--that is Potato University--where the "Big Potatoes" come from. When she graduates--she will really be in the "Chips".

But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and she could not marry him because he is just a ...


...Common tater.

How is that for Mennonite humor--even we joke around!

 

Oh..... Dear..... Lord.......

Was his arch nemisis Darth....







Tater?




Or perhaps.... T8er?

 

Kaosdad and others--

No, T8erman's and T8ergirl's (I hope I got the right couple!), T8tot. (Ha-Ha!! )

Have fun--does this make sense or not? Oh, well--

Foodie

 

Psst - dude - tags are the bomb!

 

HAPPY!?!?!?

I am trying to read Gryphons posts (headache), post my own AND actually do some work.

AND I have my sister-in-law coming to town today!

I need beers!

 

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Air phone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

 

Right - but the punch line is she's going to find a new job. She was fired fromt he M&M factory for throwing out all the candies with a "W" on it.

BadumBUM! Tish!


wow - tough crowd.

 

HAAAA!!!!! so glad I'm not a natural blonde!!! lmao- that is GREAT.

 

Hmmm.....you would make an interesting blonde............

 

Greetings from the RV Road--from the "hinterlands"--

We are travelling back to the East Coast and should be back from the Grand Canyon by the end of September from vacation with our "caravan". Below are some poems and quotes you might find funny--:drive::drive: Have fun--

More Misc. Poems/Quotes, etc.--


FOOD TALK

When was the last time you said somebody did not know beans about something or said the fog was as thick as pea soup?

We really take the cake when it comes to using foods as a figure of speech. For example, when things go right, they are in apple pie order, and life is a bowl of cherries. But when they go wrong, we are in a pickle.

If a man is important, he is top banana. If he is clumsy, he is butterfingered. If he is cowardly, he is chicken livered. If he is poised, he is cool as a cucumber. If he talks too much, he spills the beans, and if he does not walk, he clams up.

Moreover, he does not earn money, he earns dough, or he brings home the bacon. If he is working for peanuts, his wife may egg him on to butter up the boss.

If something is good, it is a peach. If it is bad, it is a lemon, or some will say it is just sour grapes.

If you are worth your salt, you may wind up eating humble pie . . . and that would be getting your just desserts.

And now, just to ice the cake, I want to say that you may take most of these claims with a grain of salt.

***NOTE: Some friends of ours emailed this to us while we are on vacation. Have a "fat-free" meal by reading the poem. Enjoy!


Misc. Quotes, etc.--

Home should be more than a filling station.

The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement. (For all you "DIY" people!)

Some people eat from the three basic Food Groups--canned, frozen, and take-out.

For excellence--ask an expert.

Families are like fudge--mostly sweet with a few nuts!

 

blonde with snakeskin cowboy boots- what kind of impression did I MAKE at that happy hour?!?!? lol

 

You mean you're not a natural blonde?:confeyes:

 

More Misc. Quotes/etc.--


Horse sense is stable thinking; coupled with the ability to say "Nay".

A real estate bargain is when you get good neighbors.

One thing that we know about the "speed of light" is that it gets here too early in the morning!

Giving advice is like cooking--we should try it before we feed it others.

Life is like a shower. One wrong turn and you end up in hot water!

 

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=11201870

this is the funniest music video!