1. Yes, it's a whole new look! Have questions or need help? Please post your question in the New Forum Questions thread Click the X to the right to dismiss this notice
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Seeing tons of unread posts after the upgrade? See this thread for help. Click the X to the right to dismiss this notice
    Dismiss Notice

Funny & Endearing Clean Jokes/Poems/Quotes

Discussion in 'General Chat Forum' started by foodie, Aug 10, 2007.

  1. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    More Misc. CLEAN Quotes, etc.--:):)


    DOWN THE LINE


    Before I married Mary Dear,
    I was her pumpkin pie.
    Then precious peach, her honey lamb,
    The apple of her eye.
    But after years of married life,
    This thought I pause to utter--
    Those fancy names are gone; and now,
    I am just her bread and butter!


    Truth has only to change hands a few times--to become fiction.

    Remember every time you open your mouth to talk--your mind walks out!

    Old age--when the gleam in your eye is just the sun on your bifocals. (Lee--this is for you--ha--ha!!:clap:)

    Your neighbors' windows look a great deal better when you first wash your own.
     
  2. Kaosdad

    Kaosdad Will work for Rum

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2005
    Messages:
    2,557
    Likes Received:
    4
    Nothing is as funny as real life. This, I present this actual excerpt from a real interview I had with a Government Investigator:

    Investigator: "You were born at the Naval Base in Subic Bay, Phillipines?"
    KaosDad: "Yes, that's correct."
    Investigator: "Your dad was stationed there with the Navy?"
    KaosDad: "Yes."
    Investigator: "And you mom was there too?"
    KaosDad: "....?"



    Many Moons Ago.... Bottled water was a new thing. As I was detailed to the DIA HQ on Bolling Air Force Base I would take my own water as we were right down the river from Blue Plains. Every night I'd almost fill the plastic bottle and put it in the freezer for ice cold water all the next day long.

    One morning my boss walked by and stopped short, staring at the plastic bottle. My boss, who is MUCH smarter than I am - just ask him, said;

    "How'd you get that ice in there?"


    ":censored:!" and walked away.
     
  3. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    More Misc. Quotes, etc.--


    Some people eat for nutrition--
    Some people eat for the taste--
    Some people eat for the fun of it--
    And most of it goes to WAIST!


    Since schools are now in the Political arenas--the following is quite fitting--would you not agree?


    Two men were discussing taxes and the government's use of money. Just then a school bus passed by.
    "See what I mean?" exclaimed one. "When I was a boy, we walked three miles to school and three miles home each day. Now we spend $40,000 for a bus to pick up the children so they do not have to walk.
    Then we spend $200,000 for a gymnasium so they can get exercise."


    Husband and wife's conversation about life's "ups and downs"--does this describe "y'all"?--

    "Well, my dear," the husband said to his wife, "I have carried you safely over all the rough places of life, haven't I?"
    "Yes," his wife replied, "and I do not think you missed one of them."


    More Misc. Quotes, etc.--

    Some people talk because they think sound is more manageable than silence.

    A man's best friend is a dog, because he wags his tail, not his tongue.

    Parents who are afraid to put their foot down, usually have children who step on their toes.

    Those who base their marriage on "puppy love"--end up living a "dog's life".
     
  4. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    More Misc. Quotes, etc.--

    Swallow your pride occasionally.
    It is not fattening!


    Hey, diddle, diddle, I am watching my middle,
    I'm hoping to whittle it soon.
    But eating's so much fun,
    I may not get it done,
    Till my dish runs away with my spoon.


    Happiness is like jam,
    You can't even spread a little bit without getting some on yourself.


    A HAPPY HOME RECIPE

    4 cups Love
    2 cups Loyalty
    3 cups Forgiveness
    1 cup Friendship
    5 teaspoons Hope
    2 teaspoons Tenderness
    4 quarts Faith
    1 barrel Laughter

    Take love and loyalty. Mix it thoroughly with faith. Blend it with tenderness, kindness, and understanding. Add friendship and hope. Sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Bake it with sunshine. Serve daily in generous helpings.

    That is good eats!:happygrin:
     
  5. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    More Misc. Funny Jokes, Quotes, etc.--


    The man goes to see his doctor because he has a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear.
    "Hmmm," the doctor says. "That's strange."
    The guy replies, "I know. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.":clap::clap:

    Bob moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room in the apartment.
    "It is me or the magazines," Bob insisted.
    When she refused to part with any of the magazines, Bob left.
    Like he told his friends, she just had too many issues.

    What is a computer's first sign of old age?
    Loss of memory.

    What happened when the turtle and the porcupine got together?
    A cold-blooded quiller.

    The churches in a small town in Georgia were definitely in sync.
    On one side of the street, a sign advertised the minister's upcoming sermon,
    "Love Thy Neighbor".
    Across the street, the other house of worship explained why:
    "When Your Marriage is in Trouble".

    During an exercise class, the instructor had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedaling a bike.
    After several minutes, one man suddenly stopped.
    "Why did you stop pedaling?" shouted the instructor.
    "I didn't stop," the man replied wheezing, "I'm coasting".
     
  6. T8erman

    T8erman Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Sep 26, 2003
    Messages:
    5,236
    Likes Received:
    249
    Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns

    Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
    Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Usk

    Dear Sheila: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I
    hope this helps. Walter
     
  7. KTdid

    KTdid Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2006
    Messages:
    3,430
    Likes Received:
    148
    Two pastors are on the side of the road erecting a sign that reads "THE END IS NEAR" when a car passes and the driver screams " MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS DON'T PREACH TO ME!" Further up the road the driver passes a second sign that reads "TURN BACK NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!" When suddenly the Pastors hear tires screeching and a loud bang. One Pastor turns to the other and says "maybe the sign should have said BRIDGE OUT AHEAD"





    Something in that order:rolleyes3:
     
  8. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    KTdid and others--

    Thanks for the jokes, etc.

    Foodie
     
  9. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    More Misc. Funny Jokes, etc.--

    LESSONS FROM NOAH AND HIS ARK

    "everything I need to know I learned from Noah's Ark":):happygrin:


    1. Don't miss the boat.
    2. Remember that we are all in the same boat.
    3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
    4. Stay fit. When you are 60 years old--someone may ask you to do
    something really big!
    5. Don't listen to critics. Just get on with the job that needs to be done.
    6. Build your future on high ground.
    7. For safety's sake--travel in pairs.
    8. Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the
    cheetahs.
    9. When you're stressed--float awhile.
    10. Remember--amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
    11. No matter the storm--when you are with God--there's always a rainbow
    waiting. Take time in your hectic day to not miss the boat.
    12. Even better--don't rock it!
     
  10. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
  11. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    More Funny/Clean Jokes, etc.--

    Just before Christmas--an honest politician, a generous lawyer, and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.
    Just before the elevator doors opened--they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor.
    Which one picked up the $20 bill?
    Santa--of course--because the other two do not exist!:clap::happygrin:
     
  12. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    More Misc. Funny Jokes/Quotes, etc.--


    TROUBLE WITH THE LAW

    One day a grandmother's 6 year old grandson was spending the day with her. Since the grandson was wearing his "Sunday best" clothes--his grandmother said--"You look like you're going courting."

    With genuine dismay--the grandson replied--"Oh, no! Not courting."

    His grandmother asked him what he thought "courting" was. He replied--"That's when you go to court to find out how much time you have to be in jail."


    A BIG JOB


    Grandparents of a boy called Noah was attending a Sunday School class soon after he turned 4 years old. The teacher asked
    the class--"Who built the ark?"

    Noah replied--"I did; and it was hard work!"
     
  13. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    More Misc. Funny Poems/Quotes, etc.--


    When you are through changing, your are through.

    Lee--I thought of you and your "endearing way with words" when I came across this quote. Enjoy! :happygrin::clap::blahblah:

    I always like to hear a man talk about himself.
    Because then I never hear anything but good.

    Geologists say the world is shrinking.
    What do they expect from something that stays in hot water so long?

    One thing that brings man to his knees is--crabgrass.


    Recently I wrote this poem about hospitality and food for a Canadian Mennonite magazine which published some of my Mennonite recipes in an upcoming edition. I hope you enjoy.:happygrin:


    LIFE RECIPE

    1 cup Greetings
    1/4 cup Smiles
    2 large Handshakes
    1/2 cup Love
    1 teaspoon Sympathy
    2 cups Hospitality

    Cream greetings and smiles thoroughly. Add handshakes beaten slightly. Add love slowly. Sift in sympathy and hospitality. Then serve with humility.
     
  14. Lee

    Lee Permanent Vacation

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    3,071
    Likes Received:
    2
    Foodie no one has ever said I had an "endearing way with words" especially on this forum and of course Dalyn as a matter of fact I can't repeat what Dalyn says about my words and she never curses and I still can't repeat her words ha ha ha:)

    Foodie thanks for the quote, I love it:clap::clap::clap: And your the Life Recipe should be used by all:)

    Lee j
     
  15. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    Lee and others--

    Thanks for the nice compliments and have a Merry and Blessed Christmas.

    We are packing up the "kiddos" along with my sister, her husband, and set of twins this coming week to head "South" for the holidays. After time in Atlanta area visiting our parents, siblings, and friends, our "brood" and my parents are driving to Sarasota, FL (large Mennonite/Amish vacation spot--my grandparents have a "Snowbird" home in Sarasota area so we are taking the twins to see their great-grandparents who they have not met yet. Quads are going too--whew!) If that isn't enough--then my parents and our family are going to Disney World in Orlando for two weeks. Looking forward to a long and "fingers crossed??" vacation?:):)

    Before we leave late next week--I hope to drop off some fritters for "y'all" at the Nature Center. I will post when I will be there if any of you commuters would them for FREE--Merry Christmas to All.

    If I do not stop by the Nature Center to see Maureen, then it will be after New Years' Day. Have a safe and happy holiday season--

    Foodie and Family
     
  16. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    More Misc. Funny Clean Jokes, etc.--


    How do you kill a circus?
    Go straight for the juggler.

    --This was from one of my quad sons--:notfunny::happygrin:

    How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    Four.
    Why four?
    JUST BECAUSE, OK! (This is line is supposed to be shouted in reply to the question. This my hubby thought was "cute"?:shakehead::happygrin:)
     
  17. Kaosdad

    Kaosdad Will work for Rum

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2005
    Messages:
    2,557
    Likes Received:
    4
    :happygrin::happygrin::happygrin::happygrin::happygrin::happygrin::happygrin::happygrin::happygrin:


    OW! OW! OW!

    Put down the gosh darbed FRYING PAN!!!!

    OW! OW! OW!
     
  18. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    More Misc. Funny & Endearing Clean Poems/Jokes, etc.--


    Below are some funny poems, etc. from a Mennonite magazine publication called The Old Country News which is for farm and country-related articles, jokes, recipes, etc. Hope you find them entertaining--:happygrin::)


    Doctor: "What's your average weight?"

    Patient: "I don't know."

    Doctor: "Well, what's the most you ever weighed?"

    Patient: "180 pounds."

    Doctor: "All right. What's the least you ever weighed?"

    Patient: "Six pounds eight ounces."


    Brilliant autumn scenery had attracted a stroller who stopped at a park bench to admire the view depicted by an artist.

    "What a glorious scene!" he said. "I wish I could take those colors home with me."

    "You will," said the artist. "You are sitting on my paint brushes!"


    "William, what do you know about Eskimos?" the teacher asked.

    "Not much, Teacher," William answered, "except that I can eat their pies."


    The spread between the age a person is and the age he acts is what makes him feel the age he does.
     
  19. foodie

    foodie New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,480
    Likes Received:
    3
    More Misc. Clean Jokes, etc.--


    How come Sherlock Holmes never paid any income taxes?

    Brilliant deductions!!:happygrin:


    Just for the Easter Bunny--

    What do you get when you cross a rabbit with the Internet?

    A hare net.:pofl::happygrin:


    When in doubt, look intelligent.
     
  20. KTdid

    KTdid Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2006
    Messages:
    3,430
    Likes Received:
    148
    Cat Diary v Dog Diary

    Found this entertaining for all the pet parents out there...


    DOG DIARY
    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

    12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

    5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



    CAT DIARY

    Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

    Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

    Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

    Bastards!

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices last night. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    This morning I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe . . . for now.
     

Share This Page