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Funny & Endearing Clean Jokes/Poems/Quotes

Discussion in 'General Chat Forum' started by foodie, Aug 10, 2007.

  1. foodie

    foodie New Member

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    More Misc. Clean Jokes, etc.--


    One of my sons was trying to get my husband's attention to tell him about something recently when he returned from England. Actually a true story--;)

    The conversation went something like this below--

    Nick was trying to capture his dad's attention about something; but Dad couldn't understand what Nick was trying to say.

    So Dad told Nick--"Can you run that by me one more time?"

    Nick looked at my husband kinda puzzled and then Nick walked to the far side of the den. Then Nick started running past my husband as fast as he could while repeating his story.

    Get it--Nick ran past his father while repeating his story.:shakehead:

    Never a dull moment at our home--:shakehead:
     
  2. Lee

    Lee Permanent Vacation

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    Foodie that is a funny story and you never know what these little people will come up with :happygrin: Then they drive oops that is another story I will leave that until you kids get older. ;)
     
  3. foodie

    foodie New Member

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    Lee--

    That's okay--they already drive us crazy and they just have a Learner's Permit--not a Driver's License yet! (ha--ha:happygrin::devil2:)

    Have a good week--

    Foodie:happygrin:
     
  4. Kaosdad

    Kaosdad Will work for Rum

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    Not just the little people. During The Boy's senior year at SBHS he went to a church hosted Christmas party with some friends. The next day we got the usual report:

    "How was the party?"
    "Fine."

    That weekend we were strolling thru Costco when we passed one of those chocolate fountains. The Boy got that "Cat that just ate the canary" grins and chuckled a bit. The conversation went:

    Boy: :happygrin:
    Me: "What?"
    Boy: "Oh, they had one of those fountains at the party."
    Me: "Really?"
    Boy: "Yeah."
    Me: "That's nice."
    Boy: "Right next to the Sushi Platters."
    Me: "Sushi?! Really? Wow."
    Boy: :happygrin:
    Me: "You did NOT!"
    Boy: "Coco Covered California Roll - actually pretty tasty!"
    Me: :eww:
     
  5. Kaosdad

    Kaosdad Will work for Rum

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    For next time, have Dad say; "Put that on a leash and walk it by me one more time..."

    I want to know how Nick handles THAT!:happygrin:
     
  6. foodie

    foodie New Member

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    Kaosdad--

    We could write a book on the escapades that our kids tries to pull over on us. One of our twins (they are almost 2 years old now) just yesterday when we were gathering eggs, she decided to put one of our hens in her doll stroller. Needless to say, the "mama" hen did not take to that ride! Cady (the twin who tried this) got a little "henpecked". Her twin brother, Charlie, decided to throw his handful of eggs at his Cady. What ensued was an all out egg fight. What a mess--:eww:

    So when my husband came home, and I told him the story he just shook his head. :shakehead: So he asked Cady and Charlie who started the egg fight--of course, they pointed to each other. So he took them to clean out the hen house and they did. I don't think they will forget it for awhile. No more "yolk jokes" please. I heard them all yesterday from my husband!:rolleyes3:

    Foodie
     
  7. Kaosdad

    Kaosdad Will work for Rum

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    :poke:

    I think that says it all about kids. :happygrin:
     
  8. Kaosdad

    Kaosdad Will work for Rum

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    A Mother knows all about her children.
    She knows about best friends, romances, secret fears, favorite foods, hopes & dreams.

    A Father is vaguely aware of some short people living in his house.
     
  9. foodie

    foodie New Member

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    I thought y'all might enjoy (or not??) some "corny" jokes from The Old Country News magazine which is a Mennonite farming magazine that is published in Millersburg, PA. We subscribe to the magazine monthly. Enjoy--:pofl::happygrin:


    More Misc. Clean Jokes, etc.--


    The newspaper reporter was interviewing an octogenarian. The reporter asked, "Have you lived in this part of the country all your life?"

    "Not yet," the wise old fellow said, "but I sure hope to."


    A group of California school children were told to draw pictures for Christmas cards they would give their parents, but to copy the verse from a card they found at home.

    That's why one mother and father received this greeting from their daughter:
    "It's been a pleasure to do business with you."


    The older couple were on their first trip abroad. They were going over on one of the big luxury liners.

    The wife, who took a lively interest in fellow passengers, remarked to her husband, "Did you notice the huge appetite of the man opposite us at dinner?"

    "Yes, I did," replied her husband dryly. "He must be what they call a 'stowaway'."


    Fairy tales used to begin with: "Once upon a time...".
    Now they begin with: "If I am elected...".
     
  10. Kaosdad

    Kaosdad Will work for Rum

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    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

    "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

    "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

    "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

    "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

    "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a dry-waller."

    The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

    So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

    The same thing happens for two weeks.

    Then one day the circus comes to town.

    The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus , aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

    "Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

    So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

    "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

    "At the circus," says the barman.

    "The circus?" repeats the duck.

    "That's right," replies the barman.

    "The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"

    "Yeah," the barman replies.

    "With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

    "Of course," the barman replies.

    "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

    "That's right!" says the barman.

    The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ....

    "What the heck would they want with a drywaller??!"
     
  11. foodie

    foodie New Member

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    Kaosdad and others--

    Here is a joke my sister told me this weekend while we visiting in PA for my nephew's birthday party. Kinda corny--but cute?:shakehead:

    How do they fry their eggs in Never-Never Land?

    With a Peter Pan!


    :pofl::)

    Have a good weekend--

    Foodie:)
     
  12. foodie

    foodie New Member

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    More Misc. Clean Jokes, etc.--


    Here is a joke that my mother-in-law told us recently when they visited our family. A little Thanksgiving humor--enjoy!:pofl::happygrin:


    The new bride wanted everything to be perfect for the upcoming Thanksgiving dinner that she was hosting for her in-laws.

    So the new bride called the "Thanksgiving Turkey Hotline". The bride told the Hotline operator, "I just bought a 12 pound bird. How long does it need to cook?"

    "Just a minute," said the Hotline operator, paging through her reference book.

    "Thanks!" replied the new bride as she hung up the phone.
     
  13. Ozgood

    Ozgood Not a space alien

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    I am not known for my collection of clean jokes but I finally found one


    Q: Why did the employees of the United States Mint go on strike?

    A: They wanted to make less money per hour.
     
  14. foodie

    foodie New Member

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    Ozgood and others--

    Pretty good--

    Here is one more my kids told me today--

    What did the judge say when th skunk came in to testify?

    Odor in the court!:scaredeyes::pofl:



    Here is one for the "financial woes" of grandparents and their grandkids--


    While shopping with her 12 year old granddaughter the other day, a grandmother asked her granddaughter, "Do you have any money? I need to borrow a few cents to complete my purchase."

    The granddaughter looked at her grandmother and sighed with this reply, "No, Grandma. People just don't hand out money like they did when I was little."

    How true--:)
     
  15. foodie

    foodie New Member

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    More Misc. Clean Jokes, etc.--


    What did the blanket say to the bed?

    Don't worry! I got you covered!

    (This is from one of my daughters--oh well--;))
     
  16. Ozgood

    Ozgood Not a space alien

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    An Englishman is visiting the United States.

    He is talking to a farmer about how much food he grows and he asks the farmer what does he do with the food his family can't eat.

    The farmer, being somewhat of a rum wit, replies "we eat what we can and what we can't we can."

    Well, the Englishman thought this was terrible clever and witty. When he returns to England he tries to tell the story to his friends.

    "When I asked the farmer what he did with the excess food he told me 'we eat what we can, and what we can't we put up in tins!'"

    <crickets chirping>
     
  17. foodie

    foodie New Member

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    More Misc. Clean Jokes/Poems, etc.--


    Since Christmas is about 2 weeks away, I thought I would post this Christmas joke (?)--:pofl::rolleyes3:--that my mother emailed to us recently.


    5 Signs You Have Gone Overboard This Holiday:pofl::)



    1. The kids look confused when someone says, "Christmas only comes once
    a year."

    2. NASA said they could see your outdoor Nativity scene from space.

    3. Santa blamed his post-holiday weight gain solely on your 200-cookie assortment.

    4. Your dog now barks out "Jingle Bells."

    5. Al Gore called: "Your twinkle lights are contributing to global warming."
    (Sorry Al Gore fans--just kidding!:happygrin:)
     
  18. bike4fun

    bike4fun New Member

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    Why does it take so long for a blonde to make chocolate chip cookies?
    She has to peel the M&Ms.

    What is the difference between Head & Shoulders and Winnie the Pooh?
    Winnie is a real pooh.

    Where do cows go for entertainment?
    To the mooooovies.

    A human and an elf walk into a bar...
    A dwarf walks under it.
     
  19. Ozgood

    Ozgood Not a space alien

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    Why did the Irish girl feel thrilled to receive a zircon as an engagement ring?

    She heard it was good luck to recieve a shamrock.

    <crickets chirping and somewhere off in the distance a dog barks>
     
  20. foodie

    foodie New Member

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    More Misc. Funny & Clean Jokes, etc.--



    My brother told me this joke this weekend (our family members are here helping on our farm--while hubby is out of country on business trip). Since we are farmers, he thought this was appropriate for our upcoming wedding anniversary. His sense of humor is funny sometimes--:pofl:


    THE FARMER'S LOVE LETTER


    My sweet potato,

    Do you carrot all about me?

    You are the apple of my eye with your radish hair and turnip nose.

    My heart beets for you.

    My love for you is as strong as onions.

    If we cantaloupe, lettuce marry; and we will be a happy pear.
     

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